Getting Along with In-laws

There’s every reason to get along with one’s in-laws. Victor Parachin explains how.

A frustrated woman wrote to advice columnist Ann Landers of her anxiety about an upcoming visit from her in-laws. “My mother-in-law is judgmental, critical, negative and controlling,” she complained. “My father-in-law watches TV at top volume 10 hours a day, talks constantly about his medical problems and eats only certain foods prepared under his supervision.”
Wow, there’s trouble brewing!

Her in-laws visited for five or six days every few months. “These are not people I would choose for friends. I love my husband, and he’s a wonderful father to our children, but whenever his parents visit, we have a huge fight.”
It’s sad that a visit can cause such a battle, but it is possible to have an enjoyable and delightful encounter with your partner’s family. Here are nine suggestions that will help.

1. Make it your business to get along.
The apostle Paul practised this, recommending that we “don’t give offence. . . . I try to please everyone in everything I do” (1 Corinthians 10:32, 33, NLT). Recognise from the beginning of your marriage that your spouse’s family is part of your marriage. Out of love and respect for your spouse, make it your business to get along.
US President Harry Truman was a poor farm boy who married Bess, the rich girl in town. As a result, he had to endure a disapproving mother-in-law. She didn’t believe any man was good enough for her daughter and made no attempt to hide her feelings.
Because the newlyweds couldn’t afford a home of their own, they moved in with the bride’s mother and stayed for 33 years! When they relocated to Kansas City and later the White House, Truman’s mother-in-law was there, ruling the dinner table and conversation.
“It was very hard on my father,” President Truman’s daughter, Margaret, recalled. “But he made it his business to get along because he loved my mother.”

2. Be attentive.
One appeal of the biblical book of Ruth is Ruth’s deep and abiding friendship with her mother-in-law, Naomi. When given an opportunity to separate because the family was in financial ruin and on the verge of starvation, Ruth responded with words of friendship, perhaps the most delightful ever told: “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. I will go wherever you go and live wherever you live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. I will die where you die and will be buried there” (Ruth 1:16, 17).
Make a conscious decision that you and your in-laws will be good friends. This will mean maintaining open and clear communication with them. At the outset, ask how they’d like you to address them, for example. Then, use those terms often. Include them in your social calendar and activities. Take an interest in their work, hobbies, ideas and experiences. As you get to know them, you’ll reduce misunderstandings. Most likely they’ll respond in a similar way toward you.
A friend of mine is the director of hockey at an ice-rink. While I was there late one night, his in-laws dropped by the rink. With them they brought three large hot chocolates and sat with their son-in-law while they all drank, enjoying a conversation. They were family and friends, and enjoyed each other’s company.

3. Remember your relationship priorities.
Your spouse has your primary loyalty. All other relationships, while important, must take second place. Psychotherapist Gilda Carle suggests comparing your relationship with in-laws to that of your car. You and your spouse sit in the front, your in-laws sit in the back.
She says, “You’re not trying to put your in-laws out of the car—you just don’t want them in the driver’s seat with you!”

4. Maintain open, honest and clear communication.
Many problems would be avoided if couples would talk more with each other and family. Because a wedding transforms family structures, clear communication is vital in preventing problems.
Communicate throughout the various stages of your marriage. For example, in the early phase, talk with in-laws about how you might celebrate holidays. Will you be expected to join in a weekly family dinner? Later, as children come along, discuss child-care matters. Do your in-laws want to provide some child care? And would you be comfortable with them doing that?
When your in-laws come to the place where they may need help, talk through about how that will be done. Will the children and their spouses become caregivers? Is a nursing home a realistic possibility? Talking helps alleviate anxiety and prevent misunderstanding.

5. Allow private time with family.
“Your partner needs to have access to his family to ensure his emotional wellbeing. This will enhance, never detract from your relationship,” notes Rita Bigel-Casher, a marriage therapist and author of Bride’s Guide to Emotional Survival. So, if he wants to spend a day fishing with his father, encourage him to do so. Likewise, if she wants to go to the shopping centre with her mother, encourage it.

6. Show appreciation.
In-laws usually do more things right than wrong. If your mother-in-law offers to look after the children giving you and your spouse an evening alone, take up the offer and shower her with thanks for the kindness. If your father-in-law helps to correct a plumbing problem, be sure to express your gratitude. Praise and compliment your in-laws for each and every kindness extended.

7. Be forgiving.
“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). Keep in mind that no-one is perfect. Nineteenth century writer William Arthur Ward wrote: “Forgiveness is a funny thing—it warms the heart and cools the sting.” A gentle, forgiving spirit can wash away all sorts of misunderstanding and hurts in a family. When people can’t be changed, they can be forgiven.
Laurie Rozakis, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dealing With In-laws, writes: “Forgiveness is not a matter of you insisting that your mother-in-law says she’s sorry. Rather, it’s a matter of you letting go of the anger you have for her. . . . Recognise that you can’t change others, just yourself.”

8. Team up.
The healthiest and happiest families are those where teamwork operates automatically. Find ways to pull together with your in-laws. Consider this glowing testimonial written by freelance writer Richard Silverman about his mother-in- law, Gilda. “We helped each other out in lots of small ways. One time I tore off her old wallpaper and repainted her kitchen. It was no big deal, I told her, but it was three days we spent together talking and laughing, I’ll always remember that.”

9. Overcome problems with love.
When tensions emerge within a family, loving thoughts, attitudes, gestures and words can often override those stresses. “There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer,” wrote Emmet Fox, “no door that enough love will not open; no gulf that enough love will not bridge; no wall that enough love will not throw down. . . . It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake. A sufficient realisation of love will dissolve it all.”

Be a truly loving person not only toward your partner, but also toward members of his or her family. This applies even if your in-laws disapprove of you for some reason. Don’t dislike them in return. Instead, try to forge bonds through common interests and kind acts. Consistently and clearly let your in-laws know you value them and love them.

While getting along with in-laws may seem like a formidable task, it may help to remember that the better your relationship with in-laws, the healthier your marriage and family life will be.

when to out-law your in-laws

Iwas so upset. During a family reunion, my mother-in-law overheard me mention our plans to visit our children interstate. This trip promised the opportunity to reconnect with my second husband, Stan. Then Stan’s mother took over.

“Hey, we’ll go with you,” she said eagerly. “It’s been awhile since we’ve seen the kids, and the timing is perfect. We’ll pay accommodation on the trip.”
“B-b-b-but the kids barely have room for us,” I stammered, attempting a roadblock.
“That’s OK,” she happily continued, “we’ll find a place to stay nearby.”
I slumped in my seat, aghast. What to do?
By the next evening I felt worse. In tears, I threw leftovers on our kitchen table. This problem would neither go away nor be easy to work through. I looked at Stan.

“Stan, we have to talk about our holiday,” I told him. “We need time alone. Although it’s been awhile since we’ve seen the kids, it seems like forever. I don’t want to share a motel room with your folk—or anyone. I want to be with you—alone.”
“I agree, but what can we do?” he responded. “How can we undo what they’ve decided? I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

But he agreed to talk to his parents. Though we occasionally had our differences with his folks, we also enjoyed them. We didn’t want to cause hard feelings. He left, pondering what to say.
Hours later he returned. Although Stan’s parents didn’t fully understand, they’d relented. Had they been my parents, I’d have gone; since they were Stan’s, he handled it. Matthew 5:23 tells us to go to the person if we have a problem with them. Stan became the spokesperson, speaking on our behalf.

They probably already knew something was brewing when he awoke them from a late afternoon nap. After some brief chitchat, he said, “We have a problem we need to fix. Someone will probably be hurt, but we have to talk about it. So . . .” then launched in, sharing our need for a holiday alone, explaining how we saw it.
As newlyweds, this would be our first holiday since the last of the children from our blended family had left home. We’d hurried through a weekend honeymoon, since we didn’t want to leave the children for too long. This trip was planned as an extension of our honeymoon.

Stan knew how he wanted the discussion to go, but he held back to let his parents express their feelings. He listened as they gave their reasons for wanting to come with us. The atmosphere heated a bit, but as they talked, the temperature fell.

It would have been simpler to concede, but we knew our relationship needed this escape: we’d planned it with rest and renewal in mind. If we’d given in, it might’ve become more difficult to try again later.
As Stan ended the discussion, he reassured them of our love and that our need was unrelated to our feelings toward them.

It was difficult for Stan to confront his parents, but he realised that when he and his wife made a decision, his parents needed to accept it.

While on occasions we’ve hoisted a white flag, sometimes it’s necessary to stand your ground. In this negative situation, it helped maintain a positive relationship, with the addition of mutual respect. —Jean Anne Douglas*
Adapted, with permission, from Women of Spirit.
* Pen-name only—to help preserve the relationship.

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